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Cheating on Fergie with Pole Dancer, NOT COOL JOSH BUDDY

Posted October 31st, 2009 by CG

I like Josh Duhamel, I really do.

What an asshole and an idiot for cheating on Fergie, if of course the stories stripper Nicole Forrester and U.S. Air Force chick Serena are telling turn out to be true.

Hot or what? Nicole can dance on my pole any time.

This Serena chick by the way, apparently she tag-teamed Josh with another air force chick, while he was in New Mexico filming Transformers 2.

Lucky him, if there is any truth to that rumor.

Serena and her friend are not the first air force chicks Josh cheated on Fergie with either. He supposedly shagged two others while filming the first Transformers flick.

Like what the f*** is wrong with Josh man?

Fergie looks to me like she might be a really, really good piece of ass, and maybe even a little kinky, so why would he not be satisfied with being a one-woman man for her.

Man, if it was I who was married to Fergie, I’d have a whole lot more respect for her than he apparently has for his hot wife, and you know what, I wouldn’t need Viagra to get it up for her. Hmm, I don’t think Josh would have that kind of problem either, but you never know I guess, and maybe when he goes to film shoots he takes Viagra with him.

Maybe Fergie just doesn’t “do it” for him anymore, could that be why he is banging other women, or is it because he’s suffering from Duchovnyitis that, “My wife isn’t meeting my sexual needs and demands” disorder, the one that saw Tea Leoni’s ex-husband land himself in a treatment facility for his sexual addiction, just before she kicked him to the kerb for good.

I don’t know, but if the stories about Josh Duhamel screwing around on his wife turn out to be more than just rumors, he’s like I said, an asshole and an idiot.

As for Fergie, there’s a spot for her naked self beside me in my bed, the back seat of my car, the pool table, or wherever she’ll let me ride her. Like I should be so lucky-huh.

Ozzy Osbourne’s wife never liked her, I use to like her, but now I don’t.

Then of course, there are the hundreds, maybe even thousands of people living here in Australia who are sick of hearing about her too, and her sob stories. She always seems to have one of them by the way.

What Julian McMahon (Nip/Tuck) ever saw in her is beyond me, but the son of a former Australian Prime Minister eventually “snapped out of it” and divorced the high maintenance tiny little bombshell, forcing Dannii to bare all in a Playboy spread just so she could make ends meet after the divorce.

I don’t think I would have bought that issue by the way, but that doesn’t mean I don’t think she wouldn’t make a nice ride, if you know what I mean. Yeah, I’d do her, but I would have to get her drunk first I think.

Anyway, for whatever reason the X Factor judge spilled her guts in an interview with Piers Morgan (UK’s Life Stories), and now she is making  a few more headlines than her sister Kylie is making in the U.S. during her current concert tour.

ANYTHING FOR PUBLICITY HUH DANNI BABY!!! What, you got a tell-all book coming out, or are you just milking your sister Kylie’s success for whatever you can get while riding on her coattails?

I tell you what, if it weren’t for her sister Kylie’s fame, Dannii would have amounted to nothing more than maybe a porn star, or maybe a bartender.  She was, before she hooked up with her first husband Julian, a waste of skin and she still is a waste of skin, albeit these days she’s a whiney and sniveling sucky kind of one. Lucky for the 38-year-old she has been able to ride on her sister’s coattails, not to mention exploiting her sister’s cancer scare to get others to feel sorry for her.

How About Some Crocodile Tears For the Cameras Madonna

Madge, quick turn your head over there…Hurry up dammit, before one of those orphans standing over there steal your thunder.

That’s what her people do when they travel with her to Third World countries like Malawi, seek out photo ops, and tell her what she needs to do to make the best of them, like turning on the waterworks for example.

This week Madonna is in Malawi, making sure that all is going well in the construction of that “new girl’s academy” she offered to pay for in exchange for clear sailing in adopting an orphan, which as we all know Madonna at one time, was pursuing under a sand storm of controversy.

No, as far as anybody knows, she isn’t shopping for another kid while she’s there, just overseeing the construction of the academy.

By the way, what does Madonna know about building anyway, it’s not like she has the slightest clue on how to build a tree fort or doghouse, let alone a school for girls?

So anyway, somebody in her entourage sees a few photographers hanging around the job site, and leans over and whispers into Madonna’s ear, “Now would be a good time for you to get a little emotional instead of standing around with that stone-faced look on your face. Show the world just how sincere you are about helping out the children you exploit.”

Of course, Madonna obliges and then hopes that the crocodile tears  she shed for the paparazzi will do “the job” for her.

F*** she is so fake.

CG is hearing rumblings that his #1 skank is headed to India in what is an obvious attempt at trying to find some work.

Yeppers, if you can no longer make it in Hollywood LiLo, try Bollywood. You go girl.

LMFWhiteAO, and wondering, gee does she think she’s “all that”?

Lindsay in a Bollywood movie, like…Excuse for a moment, I’m rolling on the floor laughing my f***ing white ass off.

Bollywood, that’s like really funny man, and while Lindsay is claiming that, the only reason she is headed to India is an obligation she has to the BBC network, something about a documentary shoot.

That may be, but while she is there, and if Lindsay is half as smart as she is dumb and skanky looking, she might want to try and open up a few doors in Bollywood, though there is little doubt in my mind that movie producers in India aren’t going to want anything to do with her, you know, that “clean living” kind of life she hasn’t been living, getting the better of her.

Levi Johnston-’like you need to grow up mate’

Here at Confessions where CG has little use for Rosanne Barr, Rosie O’Donnell, and Madonna just to name a few, Levi Johnston is quickly becoming as irritating and annoying to him as those three broads have been for quite sometime now.

While Levi is still wet behind the ears when it comes to being a celebrity, CG kind of thinks the little bastard needs to grow up a little, and get over his fascination with bashing the woman who could have been his hot mother-in-law had he played his cards right.

He should also keep in mind that every time he opens up his pie hole to put something other than a penis in it, he might want to think about what the former vice-presidential candidate has done for him.

Let’s face it, if it wasn’t for the grandmother of his child, Levi Johnston would still be a nobody. He needs to think about that before he starts bashing his ex mother-in-law to be again.

FYI-Johnston has threatened on the “CBS Early Show” to air all of Sarah Palin’s dirty laundry after she said that his selling his body to Playgirl shows how desperate he is for attention.

You know what, CG WOULDN’T MIND SLAMMIN’ SARAH. Yeppers, she can ride me like she rides a snow machine (snowmobile and sleds, as we like to call them in Canada). I wouldn’t have any problem being the seat under her sled-riding ass.

I wonder if Penthouse has approached her about posing nude in their mag.  I’d buy that issue.

Shout Out To Natalie Portman

You are one  dumb broad, COMPARING CARNIVORE’S LIKE MYSELF TO A RAPIST, ARE YOU F***ING KIDDING ME?

You know that ‘piece of meat’  men hang in your mouth from time-to-time, you need to be slapped in the face with it… AND TO THINK THAT YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE  HARVARD EDUCATED. Like WTF man!

A story about a giant Great White shark of the coast of Queensland (not too far from where I live really) has been making international headlines for the past couple of days thanks to the discovery of a carcass of another Great White shark that had a big chunk taken out of it.

See the YouTube video at perezhilton.com (you’re welcome Perez!) to see what I am talking about.

It was a big chunk by the way, big enough that if a chunk that size were taken out of my mid-section (if I was stupid enough to swim in the ocean in the first place),  I’d be floating at sea in two pieces. Aah who knows really, because I’m a fit, pretty solid kind of guy–so yeah maybe there might be a little piece of skin holding me together, and yeah ‘my story’ would be making international headlines too, though I wouldn’t be alive to hear about it, or contradict it, now would I?

Having said that, there are a lot of sharks around these parts that are about 5-6 meters (sixteen to almost 20-feet for Americans unfamiliar with the metric system) in length, that’s why I stay out of the ocean. I mean whenever there is a “Shark Attack at Sea” story being told in The Land Down Under, the shark is almost always described as being 5-6 meters long.

A 20-footer isn’t unusual here in Oz, and I don’t suspect that is any more unusual off the coast of California either, or in the Atlantic Ocean.

I’m pretty sure, but can’t be certain because I’m not an expert, that the bite mark on the carcass may have expanded under the elements after the initial bite, making it look much bigger than it would have been after the initial bite. Does that make sense?

Also, that bite was taking out of the shark while it was on its side, so for those of you thinking that this Great White killed that Great White–nah, I don’t think so, that shark was already dead before Jaws got his mouth around it.

You know what, these shark stories coming out of The Land Down Under, they aren’t good for tourism, so in an effort to my bit to boost tourism let me do my bit by saying, “There are beaches in Oz where you don’t have to worry about sharks, it’s just that I don’t live near any of them. SO WHERE THE BLOODY HELL ARE YOU?”

One other thing; while it doesn’t change my mind about being foolish enough to jump into the sea, the odds of you being killed in a car crash are a lot higher than you being attacked by a shark. Seriously, that’s what “the experts” say about shark attacks.

Speaking of feces in Confessions yesterday (Jennifer Esposito engaged to Poo), have you heard the story about the San Diego man who was on trial for a home invasion?

Get this, during Weusi McGowan’s trial, he somehow managed to sneak a bag a shit into the courtroom (gee you think the flies would have given him away) to rub his lawyer’s face in it, and hurl it at jurors. Wow, wasn’t he creative, huh?

Anyway, his trial has ended, the verdict is in, and his sentence for robbery, burglary and assault with a fecal weapon has been handed down. For most of the next 31 years of his life, McGowan will be a guest of the state where he will serve some of his time in ‘the big house’, and some of it in ‘the nut house’ no doubt.

Like what a f***ing moron this guy is, and may he suffer the same fate as his lawyer and jurors did during his trial. You can bet that this story has already reached the prison where he is going to do his time, and there is no doubt in my mind there will be some inmates who are going to give him a very shitty welcome.

That skanky bitchface Lindsay Lohan, like WTF man, how many more hits can her sagging career take.

Have you heard the latest, her record label has dumped her.

Yep that’s right, Casablanca Records has finally given her the heave ho after waiting more than a year and a half for her to finish recording her third album, an album that they won’t be able to cash in on simply because, ‘it ain’t gonna sell man.’

Lindsay Lohan-a successful pop singer, that is way to f***ing funny, isn’t it?

Just so you know, Casablanca would have fired her sooner, but being the idiots they were back in the day, they paid Lindsay some big bucks to make three albums, and three albums they were going to get out of her come hell or high water. They would have canned her a long time ago, had she finished recording her latest album sooner.

The train wreck is running out of career options. I hope for her sake she invested her money wisely in something other then the party life she has been living since she was old enough to grow pubic hair.

Speaking of skanky broads…

Former Playboy model Shauna Sands, she who spreads her legs for anybody in Hollywood who can help her with whatever she is into at that given moment, has struck a deal with Vivid Entertainment for those sex tapes she implied were stolen from her.

Yep, just like every other amateur porn video maker and star with a celebrity tag pinned to their naked body, the ex-wife of that retarded wannabe reality TV star Lorenzo Lamas, has reached an agreement with Vivid that will see her a paid a more than generous sum of money to keep her mouth shut, and to keep Vivid and her out of the courtroom.

As for the sex tapes, and yeah knowing what we already know about Shauna’s slutty ways there are probably a lot of sequels hidden somewhere, the first one should be ready for download for your viewing pleasure almost as fast Shauna spreads her legs to make a new one. That by the way could be happening as we speak for all anybody at Confessions knows, right?

Shauna Sands, she is definitely not  ‘Lexy  the school teacher‘ the Kiwi bombshell that posed for Penthouse Australia. Shauna is one fugly looking cougar, that’s for damn sure. There is no way Penthouse would ever pay her to take off her clothes, right?

Her former stepdaughter Shayne Lamas had this to say about Shauna’s deal with Vivid Entertainment, “It’s no shock that Shauna basically gave her seal of approval on the tape. She will probably try to get producing and directing credit as well. I hear it’s pretty hardcore and she does all her own stunts too!

There has never really been much of a difference between Shauna and a blowup doll… Cheap, mostly plastic and a head full of air. She is pure trash.”

Woohoo, I like that stepdaughter. I wonder what she would like in a Penthouse spread, if of course she was so inclined to strip down and do one that is.

Shout Out to Jennifer Esposito

You could do so much better than a guy Aussies call Poo.

You’re engaged to a shithead Jennifer, a two, three woman kind of man who is looking for somebody to bail him out of his financially woes.

LUCKY YOU JENNIFER, YOU WIN THE PRIZE GIGOLO FROM THE LAND DOWN UNDER

I don’t think this wedding is ever going to happen. Not one of Mark Philippoussis other engagements has ever resulted in marriage, something about him not being a one woman man and ulterior motives (love for his fiancée is all about $s) when it comes to the gigolo marrying  cashed up women. Between now and the day they are supposed to get married, a woman will come along who is a lot more cashed up than Jennifer, and cha-ching, the piece of shit will be moving on before Jennifer reaches the Alter.

DON’T DO IT JENN! DON’T MARRY FECAL MATTER!